October 23, 2009

I feel like a very small person. As in, insignificant.

When I was younger, I felt like a perennial outsider. I guess somehow I figured that to compensate for my outsiderness, I had to be an incredibly amazing person in any area I could find. A “big” person. No matter what the cost. And I did big things, or at least I thought so. I did on some level realize that I was still very small in the grand scheme of things, but I at least felt that I was pushing the limits of what I could do and be.

But somewhere in there, I lost my way. Now I am very comfortable. I have lots of friends, a stable family, an amazing kid and a non-falling-apart marriage. I own a comfortable home, I’m reasonably successful in my career, and have a few extra-curricular activities like music and this blog.

But I’m very small now, and I’m not really sure what to want. Is it an illusion? A function of my personality that seeks conflict, unhappy that it is comfortable? Is life meaningless, and I am unhappy because I am trying to force meaning where there is none?

Any ideas?


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